What Matters Most

This has been a tough piece for me to write, but I made a choice to live my life like an open book, sharing my heart and trusting that God will use both my highs and lows to encourage you as you journey through life. If this were pen and paper, the pages would be full of blotted ink, but God has given me the strength to finish, so here goes.

Up until three weeks ago, I would watch the news and sometimes see a family that had been struck by some form of tragedy. While my heart went out to them, I could never quite relate to the pain of their loss, until it came knocking on our door. This was no longer about some far off people, it was about my family. My aunt and cousin had been brutally murdered. I remember how the news sent a cold chill down my back and it felt as though my heart would stop beating. I have been mourning the loss of an aunt I so dearly loved, and a cousin who had just began to realize her dreams. It was not so much the pain of separation that consumed me, but the thought of how badly they died; a painful, gruesome ending. The act was inhumane- no one deserves to die like that, and I continue to pray that justice prevails.  But the comfort I find is in knowing that they loved the Lord.  

I was watching the video from our wedding and saw my aunt dance her heart away!  I could not stop the tears from welling up and running down my cheeks as I saw how full of life she was just a year ago, and now, no more. The funeral service was by far the hardest one I have been to. We remember our loved ones fondly amidst lots of tears, laughter, then some more tears.

I have been thinking a lot lately, about my journey…about the things that really matter. We spend our lives striving to be successful, accumulating wealth, and hope to leave a legacy that outlives us. I do not mean to trivialize any of these things, but I am now more aware of those that matter more. I choose to live life reveling in my process, knowing that victory does not lie just beyond the finish line; it lies in the journey as well  as the lessons we learn along the way.  I am learning to nurture and treasure my relationships, and to give my utmost best to every new day. But most importantly I know that what truly matters is a true and honest relationship with the Lord, because it determines where I spend eternity.

There is destiny, a vision that lies in each one of us. Not only do we need to understand its magnitude, and the responsibility that falls squarely on our shoulders, but also know that time is not in our hands; we cannot dictate it, nor ignore it. None of us know when the light of our lives will be switched off. We do not know when the last song will be heard and the curtain closes in on us.

If there is anything I can share from my heart to yours is this: remain focused on what matters. Make your relationships right- both with God and those around you. Death is so final- if you have anything to fix, any fences to mend, do it now. Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you; let them know that you love them. My aunt loved us selflessly, and I thank God that she in turn knew how much we loved her. 

I would also urge you to make your peace with God. Many of us walk around angry at God, disappointed with Him, or simply disinterested in Him. But He keeps on pursuing us- do not reject His love. Do not make a make a mockery of the sacrifice He made on the cross.

To the memory of my late aunt Kanene, and my late cousin Beauty, I say rest in peace. May you dance with the angels. Your demise reminds me that this world is not our home. We are just pilgrims on a journey- a profound reminder lest we get too comfortable. Though I do not know when the tears will stop falling, I thank God for the precious time we had with you.

In light of all that has happened…I’m  more aware of that which matters most.

Kambua M.

Build another nest

Right outside our apartment is a big jacaranda tree. Its branches offer good shade, and the view it gives from my bedroom and kitchen window is priceless. But a little over a month ago, I discovered that I was not the only one who had formed an attachment to the tree.  I noticed there was a bird that began to make frequent visits to this particular tree. Before I knew it, what at first seemed like gibberish was skilfully and quickly being thatched into a nest. The bird worked diligently day after day. I noticed that she wasn’t alone either; there was another one which I guessed was the male. He often flew off to bring more building material as well as food for the both of them. I was fascinated to say the least! I don’t know at what point the bird laid its eggs, but I realized that she had started brooding and would stay perched over them, with occasional shifts to change position. She stood up whenever the male brought her food, and then she’d soon assume her place over her precious eggs. I watched this happen day in and day out. I would draw my bedroom curtains early in the morning to see what the bird was up to, and sure enough without fail the routine was just as it had been from the start. I began to tell my husband about my little friends who lived on the jacaranda tree. He was quite amused at first at how I’d taken an interest on the birds, but before he knew it, he also began to have a soft spot for them. 

Yesterday morning I woke up and after many days and nights of unbearable heat, I heard the sound of falling rain. Copious amounts of it poured, and I was delighted! But when I stood in the kitchen looking out the window I realized that my joy concerning the rain might not be shared by my mother-to-be on the jacaranda tree. The rain was falling hard on her and just like any brooding mother would, she braved it, and ensured that her eggs remained shielded from the rain. I mentioned to my husband how sorry I felt that they didn’t have shelter. Again, he was amused but reminded me that God created them to survive and endure all sorts of weather.  (I guess I already knew that. lol) My worries were quickly forgotten as I got ready to leave for work. But somewhere in between my thoughts and preparations I was interrupted by the sound of a creature in distress! It took me a minute or two to register what was going on. I dashed to my bedroom window and sure enough my fears were confirmed!

Now I don’t know how many of you have ever seen an eagle up close…well yesterday I did. At first I was taken aback by how much presence that bird possessed. It is a beautiful, strong, massive bird! Eagles are very rare; I may have seen only two others in my lifetime and never were they this close. But I quickly got over my awe and realized that the eagle was causing some serious damage! It was eating the eggs that the other bird had been brooding over for weeks! Now I too was in distress, and  called my husband hoping he could do something, anything to stop the mess that was unfolding right in front of my eyes. He immediately began to clap his hands loudly to scare the eagle, and it amazingly, it worked! The eagle flew off and the other bird together with her mate who had been watching helplessly at a distance quickly flew back to their nest to salvage whatever was left. But less than a minute later the eagle swooped back to the nest and the poor birds flew off again unable to stand up to it. Their cry for help was deafening, and my husband was frantically clapping to scare the big bird off again and just like the first time it flew off only this time perching just a few branches up on the tree. The other birds returned once again to their nest, the mother picked her eggs one by one, each with its contents gone…none had been spared. In despair and frustration she threw the empty shells out of the nest. Though this might sound somewhat silly, I whispered a prayer for the poor birds and believe it or not, a minute later the eagle flew away, never to be seen again (I hope).

I forgot that I’d been getting ready for work. I felt like the birds in the nest were my project, my eggs! LOL. We continued to watch as the mother bird tore it’s nest as though in mourning. It threw out the feathers, sticks, leaves and tore it down to shreds. I am not one to be moved by animals…my friends will testify to that. But that sight brought tears to my eyes. 

Well, I had to leave for work and my husband tried best as he could to cheer me up, and as we recounted that dramatic event on the drive to work he said, “That is so like the devil”. And I thought to myself, ‘Isn’t it’? Isn’t it like the devil to let you work hard at building something…he watches you as you put all your eggs in one basket  (pun intended), watches you nurture them, and just when they are about to hatch he comes and destroys them? The Word of God calls him a destroyer, a usurper, a devourer, a killer of everything that lives or has potential to live. 

I thought of the countless times I have put my heart and mind to something. I have invested my time, energy, and resources in projects that I had faith in. And just like that brooding bird I’ve taken all the necessary precautions to ensure that my plan, my dream was safeguarded against any misfortune. But as life would have it, I’ve watched many of those slip through my fingers like sand. Others have exploded in my face and only left traces of the mess that was once my dream. I can relate to that bird tearing its nest up because I’ve known how it feels to be so frustrated that tears cannot suffice. I’ve wanted to be absent from everything that has brought pain and destruction to my life.  You know those moments when you’re alive but you’ve totally checked out, resigned from life? These are the dark nights of the soul; the overwhelming feeling of despair.

As I have continued to grow in my walk with the Lord I have learned that He is the giver and keeper of my dreams. I have come to know that there are times He allows the dark nights to come because He knows that His grace will be sufficient for me. I also know that everything He allows to come my way He somehow reworks for His glory and for my good. I am a much stronger woman than I was before because the 

constant breaking has pushed me to the throne of grace. Sometimes I’ve had to crawl there, and other times I’ve gone running.  But either way I have found healing for every brokenness, and restoration for every lost dream. I see now how God used the dark threads in the tapestry of my life to draw me back to Himself.

The enemy of your soul is always on the prowl seeking to devour you, and your dreams.  If he can’t take you out he will try to snuff out your purpose and your passion. But this should in no way scare you. You must understand that he has no authority over you as a believer. He will try and discourage you, but remember this: he is a defeated foe!

When I got home from work yesterday I was so sad to see that the birds had finished destroying their nest and vacated what had been their home for weeks. I went to the bedroom to unwind and as I lay there I heard what sounded like a ruffling of feathers. Could it be…? I got up and went to the window and a big smile spread across my face. The birds! They were back! Well, they were now on the farthest end of the tree, but what I could not believe was that there was the tinniest genesis of a nest they had started constructing! They were starting over! I could not contain my joy.

I realize now more than ever that God is not limited by circumstances. If one dream has been destroyed, beloved, find the courage to dream another! Don’t give up. I know even as I write this that the enemy is kicking himself in the foot because he never knew I would turn up like this; he never imagined it! Because of the countless times he’s hit me with his best shot and yet here I am, still standing, still hoping, still believing…all by the grace of God.

I pray that as you read this the spirit of God will breathe new life into you. I hope you will gather yourself up and build another nest. Maybe you had a miscarriage, or maybe your career plans fell apart. Maybe someone broke your heart, or maybe you just lost your job. Whatever it may be, God is more than able to heal, restore, and give you a new dream. I pray that He will use every pain, every despair, and every hurt you have had to endure to be the impetus that will push you closer to your destiny.

It’s not over; far from it. Build another nest.

Kambua M.

Scars and all...

When I was as a little girl, at the age of three, I was the victim of a near-death accident that involved hot water and a basin. That’s right. I had been in the bathroom with mom, who was busy doing some laundry. I pretended to be helping out, but truth be told I was simply enjoying the thrill of getting my hands wet, as most kids do. After a while I decided to go out to the living room to find my dad. Now you need to understand that my dad and I have a very special bond- I am daddy’s girl!  So anyway, when I opened the door to exit the bathroom, I did not realize that our house help had placed a basin full of hot water right outside the door. I believe she wanted to prepare a bath for one of us, and had probably gone back to get some cold water to cool it a little. I’m certain that you’re now thinking that the worst happened? Well you’re right! I tripped over the basin and fell right into water that was scalding hot. I thank God that my mind has up  until this day blocked away the whole traumatic experience and even what I am sharing with you is a recount of what my family shared with me concerning that night.

For three months I was admitted in hospital with third degree burns. The doctors despaired...there was little hope for me. But God still had a plan for my life. God saved me from the sting of death, and in spite of what the doctors feared, I began my slow but steady journey to recovery. Due to the damage caused on my skin by the burns, the doctors suggested that my family take me for plastic surgery, but before a decision could be made, the great physician, Jehovah Rapha, continued to restore me. It got to a point where the doctors said there probably would be no use for plastic surgery because it seemed that I was recovering speedily and better than they had expected. I am now alive with only scars to show that I went through the valley of the shadow of death. 

Growing up I was very conscious of my scars, and what people thought of them. I worked hard to conceal them and would never expose myself publicly (for instance during swimming). I felt ugly, and always endeavored to protect myself from curious stares.

When my relationship with God started to grow, I also came to understand that when He sees me, He is not distracted by the scars- He sees beyond them; He sees a woman who is fearfully and wonderfully made in His image and likeness! I began to really and truly believe that He loves me and my scars because they are part of who I am. This freed me totally and liberated me from my fears. And though I’m human and sometimes feel a little self-conscious, especially when someone stares at my scars, I remind myself that God, my creator, loves me...scars and all! I also realized that the more comfortable I became in my own skin, the less of a big deal my scars were even in other people’s eyes. Some people never even notice until I draw attention to myself by talking about  the burns.

My scars are physical, but there are those that come in other forms...emotional, psychological ... Some of you reading this have suffered domestic abuse, rape, others have been crippled by disease and illness, while yet others are simply what I call victims of life- anything that could possibly go wrong in your life has gone wrong, and people have written you off. The good news is that God doesn’t consider you a cast away, but a vessel of Mercy. You have been through the fire and the rain and you are still standing. That is no small fit beloved. God preserved you so that someone else by hearing your story of survival will find a reason to hold on, in spite of what they have had to face. You are a vessel of honor. And the scars you bear? Those will bear testimony to the fact that no, the process didn't break you; it made you.

Sometimes we wonder whether God would love us even where we are flawed, and have gone through ordeals that have left us with scars- the  answer is yes, He loves us, scars and all. And the scars testify of His delivering power. They give a story that’s deeper than any words can express. Embrace your scars...let them act as reminders of what God has taken you through and always remember that He loves you...scars and all!

Kambua M.