Burning Bright

At the beginning of this year I decided to take a retreat. I looked around and settled for a quiet, serene getaway and had the most amazing time. The weather was great, but at night it got really cold, and thankfully there was a fire place in my room. The people working there were very gracious and helped light a fire in the evening when it started to get chilly. I loved coming back to my warm, brightly lit room, and enjoyed the crackling sound of the flickering fire.  It was pure bliss, up until when I had to put in more firewood and rearrange the logs in order it to keep the fire going. Sometimes the flames would become so small and I would blow into them, while frantically throwing in whatever I could find to keep the fire going. In other words, I struggled! Eventually, I would give up, and watch the fire die out, leaving me plunged in total darkness except for the embers which remained hot for as long as they could. The glow that once filled my room, gone- just as though it had never existed.  

Have you ever heard about the ‘Torch Race’ in Ancient Greek Olympics? Well up until recently, I hadn’t, so let me take a moment to enlighten those of you who are as clueless as I was. The rules of the game were that a torch would be passed on in a relay race. The aim of the game was to get to the finish line as fast as possible, with the torch still ablaze. I was fascinated when I read about this because the concept was different from what most relays are like. It did not matter if you got to the finish line first, what mattered was that you got there with your fire still on.

It occurred to me that our lives can somewhat be compared to the torch race; running, and each one  of us hoping to get to the finish line. I realized sadly though that many of us will get there with our torches off, because somewhere along the way we let our fires die out. I understand now that it is not about how quickly my career grows, or how many records I break. It’s all about the fire of God, the passion burning within me as I cross that finish line.

Worse still, would be losing my fire whilst still serving the Lord. Lately I’ve found myself exceptionally busy, and I am grateful to God for all the opportunities He has accorded me to serve Him and grow in my career. But as I look back and reflect upon my life I see the danger of being caught up in activities and failing to realize the struggling fire of a torch that was once ablaze with zeal for the Lord. Without the passion for God in our lives we are bound to lead a dull and draining existence.

I have decided that I want to be fully aware of things that could be detrimental to my passion, and realized that they are the proverbial ‘little foxes’. Those things that creep up on you overtime, and before you realize, they have caused irreparable damage. I have been praying that God will keep my heart in check so that I do not become prideful or boastful, forgetting that I have come this far only because of His grace. I have also asked Him to give me a servant’s heart, to handle people and situations without feeling burdened by them. I have asked the Lord to keep my eyes open to injustice, and cause me to speak up instead of biting my tongue. I have also prayed that He will heal me from wounds inflicted by people, some intentionally and others out of pure ignorance. I pray that my heart will remain tender towards those that I love and that my fire will continue to fan theirs as mine is fanned in return. But most importantly I have prayed and asked that above all the noise and clutter, it is the voice of truth that I will always hear- The voice of the Lord. The voice that calls me to holiness…the voice that speaks life in my darkest moments…that which keeps reminding me I am redeemed…the voice that urges me on; pushing me to be more than I ever imagined I could be.

I want to finish strong; to know that when I am done here, and my story is read, it will still bear the fire that stirs the hearts of people, pointing them towards the source. I pray that even as you continue on with your journey that you will take time to look back, and make sure that your roots still run deep and that your heart is still in the right place. I desire for you and me to get to the finish line at whatever pace God’s grace accords each of us…but only with our torches still burning bright!

Kambua M.

What Matters Most

This has been a tough piece for me to write, but I made a choice to live my life like an open book, sharing my heart and trusting that God will use both my highs and lows to encourage you as you journey through life. If this were pen and paper, the pages would be full of blotted ink, but God has given me the strength to finish, so here goes.

Up until three weeks ago, I would watch the news and sometimes see a family that had been struck by some form of tragedy. While my heart went out to them, I could never quite relate to the pain of their loss, until it came knocking on our door. This was no longer about some far off people, it was about my family. My aunt and cousin had been brutally murdered. I remember how the news sent a cold chill down my back and it felt as though my heart would stop beating. I have been mourning the loss of an aunt I so dearly loved, and a cousin who had just began to realize her dreams. It was not so much the pain of separation that consumed me, but the thought of how badly they died; a painful, gruesome ending. The act was inhumane- no one deserves to die like that, and I continue to pray that justice prevails.  But the comfort I find is in knowing that they loved the Lord.  

I was watching the video from our wedding and saw my aunt dance her heart away!  I could not stop the tears from welling up and running down my cheeks as I saw how full of life she was just a year ago, and now, no more. The funeral service was by far the hardest one I have been to. We remember our loved ones fondly amidst lots of tears, laughter, then some more tears.

I have been thinking a lot lately, about my journey…about the things that really matter. We spend our lives striving to be successful, accumulating wealth, and hope to leave a legacy that outlives us. I do not mean to trivialize any of these things, but I am now more aware of those that matter more. I choose to live life reveling in my process, knowing that victory does not lie just beyond the finish line; it lies in the journey as well  as the lessons we learn along the way.  I am learning to nurture and treasure my relationships, and to give my utmost best to every new day. But most importantly I know that what truly matters is a true and honest relationship with the Lord, because it determines where I spend eternity.

There is destiny, a vision that lies in each one of us. Not only do we need to understand its magnitude, and the responsibility that falls squarely on our shoulders, but also know that time is not in our hands; we cannot dictate it, nor ignore it. None of us know when the light of our lives will be switched off. We do not know when the last song will be heard and the curtain closes in on us.

If there is anything I can share from my heart to yours is this: remain focused on what matters. Make your relationships right- both with God and those around you. Death is so final- if you have anything to fix, any fences to mend, do it now. Tell the people in your life how much they mean to you; let them know that you love them. My aunt loved us selflessly, and I thank God that she in turn knew how much we loved her. 

I would also urge you to make your peace with God. Many of us walk around angry at God, disappointed with Him, or simply disinterested in Him. But He keeps on pursuing us- do not reject His love. Do not make a make a mockery of the sacrifice He made on the cross.

To the memory of my late aunt Kanene, and my late cousin Beauty, I say rest in peace. May you dance with the angels. Your demise reminds me that this world is not our home. We are just pilgrims on a journey- a profound reminder lest we get too comfortable. Though I do not know when the tears will stop falling, I thank God for the precious time we had with you.

In light of all that has happened…I’m  more aware of that which matters most.

Kambua M.

Build another nest

Right outside our apartment is a big jacaranda tree. Its branches offer good shade, and the view it gives from my bedroom and kitchen window is priceless. But a little over a month ago, I discovered that I was not the only one who had formed an attachment to the tree.  I noticed there was a bird that began to make frequent visits to this particular tree. Before I knew it, what at first seemed like gibberish was skilfully and quickly being thatched into a nest. The bird worked diligently day after day. I noticed that she wasn’t alone either; there was another one which I guessed was the male. He often flew off to bring more building material as well as food for the both of them. I was fascinated to say the least! I don’t know at what point the bird laid its eggs, but I realized that she had started brooding and would stay perched over them, with occasional shifts to change position. She stood up whenever the male brought her food, and then she’d soon assume her place over her precious eggs. I watched this happen day in and day out. I would draw my bedroom curtains early in the morning to see what the bird was up to, and sure enough without fail the routine was just as it had been from the start. I began to tell my husband about my little friends who lived on the jacaranda tree. He was quite amused at first at how I’d taken an interest on the birds, but before he knew it, he also began to have a soft spot for them. 

Yesterday morning I woke up and after many days and nights of unbearable heat, I heard the sound of falling rain. Copious amounts of it poured, and I was delighted! But when I stood in the kitchen looking out the window I realized that my joy concerning the rain might not be shared by my mother-to-be on the jacaranda tree. The rain was falling hard on her and just like any brooding mother would, she braved it, and ensured that her eggs remained shielded from the rain. I mentioned to my husband how sorry I felt that they didn’t have shelter. Again, he was amused but reminded me that God created them to survive and endure all sorts of weather.  (I guess I already knew that. lol) My worries were quickly forgotten as I got ready to leave for work. But somewhere in between my thoughts and preparations I was interrupted by the sound of a creature in distress! It took me a minute or two to register what was going on. I dashed to my bedroom window and sure enough my fears were confirmed!

Now I don’t know how many of you have ever seen an eagle up close…well yesterday I did. At first I was taken aback by how much presence that bird possessed. It is a beautiful, strong, massive bird! Eagles are very rare; I may have seen only two others in my lifetime and never were they this close. But I quickly got over my awe and realized that the eagle was causing some serious damage! It was eating the eggs that the other bird had been brooding over for weeks! Now I too was in distress, and  called my husband hoping he could do something, anything to stop the mess that was unfolding right in front of my eyes. He immediately began to clap his hands loudly to scare the eagle, and it amazingly, it worked! The eagle flew off and the other bird together with her mate who had been watching helplessly at a distance quickly flew back to their nest to salvage whatever was left. But less than a minute later the eagle swooped back to the nest and the poor birds flew off again unable to stand up to it. Their cry for help was deafening, and my husband was frantically clapping to scare the big bird off again and just like the first time it flew off only this time perching just a few branches up on the tree. The other birds returned once again to their nest, the mother picked her eggs one by one, each with its contents gone…none had been spared. In despair and frustration she threw the empty shells out of the nest. Though this might sound somewhat silly, I whispered a prayer for the poor birds and believe it or not, a minute later the eagle flew away, never to be seen again (I hope).

I forgot that I’d been getting ready for work. I felt like the birds in the nest were my project, my eggs! LOL. We continued to watch as the mother bird tore it’s nest as though in mourning. It threw out the feathers, sticks, leaves and tore it down to shreds. I am not one to be moved by animals…my friends will testify to that. But that sight brought tears to my eyes. 

Well, I had to leave for work and my husband tried best as he could to cheer me up, and as we recounted that dramatic event on the drive to work he said, “That is so like the devil”. And I thought to myself, ‘Isn’t it’? Isn’t it like the devil to let you work hard at building something…he watches you as you put all your eggs in one basket  (pun intended), watches you nurture them, and just when they are about to hatch he comes and destroys them? The Word of God calls him a destroyer, a usurper, a devourer, a killer of everything that lives or has potential to live. 

I thought of the countless times I have put my heart and mind to something. I have invested my time, energy, and resources in projects that I had faith in. And just like that brooding bird I’ve taken all the necessary precautions to ensure that my plan, my dream was safeguarded against any misfortune. But as life would have it, I’ve watched many of those slip through my fingers like sand. Others have exploded in my face and only left traces of the mess that was once my dream. I can relate to that bird tearing its nest up because I’ve known how it feels to be so frustrated that tears cannot suffice. I’ve wanted to be absent from everything that has brought pain and destruction to my life.  You know those moments when you’re alive but you’ve totally checked out, resigned from life? These are the dark nights of the soul; the overwhelming feeling of despair.

As I have continued to grow in my walk with the Lord I have learned that He is the giver and keeper of my dreams. I have come to know that there are times He allows the dark nights to come because He knows that His grace will be sufficient for me. I also know that everything He allows to come my way He somehow reworks for His glory and for my good. I am a much stronger woman than I was before because the 

constant breaking has pushed me to the throne of grace. Sometimes I’ve had to crawl there, and other times I’ve gone running.  But either way I have found healing for every brokenness, and restoration for every lost dream. I see now how God used the dark threads in the tapestry of my life to draw me back to Himself.

The enemy of your soul is always on the prowl seeking to devour you, and your dreams.  If he can’t take you out he will try to snuff out your purpose and your passion. But this should in no way scare you. You must understand that he has no authority over you as a believer. He will try and discourage you, but remember this: he is a defeated foe!

When I got home from work yesterday I was so sad to see that the birds had finished destroying their nest and vacated what had been their home for weeks. I went to the bedroom to unwind and as I lay there I heard what sounded like a ruffling of feathers. Could it be…? I got up and went to the window and a big smile spread across my face. The birds! They were back! Well, they were now on the farthest end of the tree, but what I could not believe was that there was the tinniest genesis of a nest they had started constructing! They were starting over! I could not contain my joy.

I realize now more than ever that God is not limited by circumstances. If one dream has been destroyed, beloved, find the courage to dream another! Don’t give up. I know even as I write this that the enemy is kicking himself in the foot because he never knew I would turn up like this; he never imagined it! Because of the countless times he’s hit me with his best shot and yet here I am, still standing, still hoping, still believing…all by the grace of God.

I pray that as you read this the spirit of God will breathe new life into you. I hope you will gather yourself up and build another nest. Maybe you had a miscarriage, or maybe your career plans fell apart. Maybe someone broke your heart, or maybe you just lost your job. Whatever it may be, God is more than able to heal, restore, and give you a new dream. I pray that He will use every pain, every despair, and every hurt you have had to endure to be the impetus that will push you closer to your destiny.

It’s not over; far from it. Build another nest.

Kambua M.