I love writing; I write songs, I keep a journal, I used to write poetry…I blog. The
process of putting words down has always been very therapeutic for me, and also
the way in which I express myself best. Towards the end of last year God
impressed upon my heart to start sharing my thoughts on a public ‘journal’. I
was very nervous at first because I love my privacy, and to be quite honest, no
one wants to share their struggles, weaknesses, and victories alike on a
spotlight- at least I don’t. But God is just as concerned about having me fulfill
my purpose as he is with the process. That is why he has often caused me to do
unconventional sometimes very uncomfortable things.
So after
wrestling with the thought for a while, albeit reluctantly, I began to write
and share my life with anyone and everyone who had a few minutes to spare. At
first I was very nervous, wondering what to say and especially anxious about
possibly finding things to share every month. It was then that I decided to
just tell my story as it is, nothing removed, and nothing added, raw and
unedited, to the extent that would be beneficial to anyone who came across it.
The more I wrote, the more I realized that my story was not unique to me…people relate to it. The more I
wrote, the more I found healing for my own wounds. I now realize that the
reason I was instructed to make myself vulnerable was so that God could use me
as a vessel of mercy; to speak life to others. God continues to teach me that it is not my
image of perfection that brings him glory- it is the evidence of scars, the brokenness,
the cracks and crevices that testify of his matchless power of redemption and
restoration. As a result, one blog post led to another and another and soon
there was a demand for more…every month…and it has forced me to grow. I am
learning not to be afraid of taking risks because growth is inevitable when there
is a demand placed on your gift.
This month
one of the greatest leaders Africa ever had was laid to rest. We bid farewell
to Nelson Madiba Mandela. I never got to meet him, but I have found myself greatly
influenced by the way he lived his life. This is by far my favourite quote from
Tata Mandela:
“I learned that courage was not the
absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not
feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear”.
I realize
that I have lived nearly three decades of my life in fear…afraid of the unknown
and sometimes the inevitable. Afraid of what people will say of my choice in
clothes, in men, in music, in living the life I have chosen…afraid of losing
friends and afraid of making new ones. Afraid of making the same mistakes I
have made in the past. I see so clearly now how I have allowed fear to box me
in, and place a beautiful glass ceiling over my head, giving me enough insight
into endless possibilities but paralyzing me by making me believe that it was
safer to just sit back and watch until I become ‘ready’ to pursue those dreams.
I am saddened by the countless opportunities I have passed out on, because I was
afraid I would not be good enough. I allowed fear to build a home in my heart
and gave myself as a slave shackled without even putting up a fight. Now I see
how I have allowed pain, and sometimes betrayal to etch its way into my very
visage, whether deliberately or inadvertently.
But this blog
entry is not about fear, but really the absence of it, because this year I began
to make small steps in overcoming the things that have held me back. Writing
was a start, and there have been many other little, almost unnoticeable strides
that God has given me the grace to make. Fear will NEVER be my friend; it will always
be an enemy to my destiny; and to yours too. As I continue to make conscious efforts in overcoming fear, I have seen God work in the most amazing ways. He has opened doors for me, and fought my battles fiercely on my behalf. It sure feels good!
We will soon
be embarking on the threshold of a new year- 2014. I hope that this will be
your best one yet. I pray that as I make conscious decisions to make my life
count by Gods’ grace, that you too will step out in faith, and take chances on
yourself, in becoming what He intended for you to be. Nelson Mandela was a courageous
man, not because he was never afraid, but because he chose to triumph over his
fears. In this new year I will write more- whatever God impresses upon my heart
to write. I will sing more…I will dance more. Lol (don’t judge me)…I will be
more intentional in investing my time on the people I love...I will laugh hard,
and cry just as hard when I ought to. I will not hold my breath, nor bite my
tongue- I will speak up and be heard. I will not fear. Not anymore. I will not
cower nor back down because for every new challenge, God gives grace. I am
laying down ‘my way’ of doing things and surrendering it all to God, trusting
him to order my steps.
Merry
Christmas beloved!
Kambua M.
