Tick, Tock...The Year that was

I love writing; I write songs, I keep a journal, I used to write poetry…I blog. The process of putting words down has always been very therapeutic for me, and also the way in which I express myself best. Towards the end of last year God impressed upon my heart to start sharing my thoughts on a public ‘journal’. I was very nervous at first because I love my privacy, and to be quite honest, no one wants to share their struggles, weaknesses, and victories alike on a spotlight- at least I don’t. But God is just as concerned about having me fulfill my purpose as he is with the process. That is why he has often caused me to do unconventional sometimes very uncomfortable things. 

So after wrestling with the thought for a while, albeit reluctantly, I began to write and share my life with anyone and everyone who had a few minutes to spare. At first I was very nervous, wondering what to say and especially anxious about possibly finding things to share every month. It was then that I decided to just tell my story as it is, nothing removed, and nothing added, raw and unedited, to the extent that would be beneficial to anyone who came across it. The more I wrote, the more I realized that my story was not unique to me…people relate to it. The more I wrote, the more I found healing for my own wounds. I now realize that the reason I was instructed to make myself vulnerable was so that God could use me as a vessel of mercy; to speak life to others.  God continues to teach me that it is not my image of perfection that brings him glory- it is the evidence of scars, the brokenness, the cracks and crevices that testify of his matchless power of redemption and restoration. As a result, one blog post led to another and another and soon there was a demand for more…every month…and it has forced me to grow. I am learning not to be afraid of taking risks because growth is inevitable when there is a demand placed on your gift. 

This month one of the greatest leaders Africa ever had was laid to rest. We bid farewell to Nelson Madiba Mandela. I never got to meet him, but I have found myself greatly influenced by the way he lived his life. This is by far my favourite quote from Tata Mandela:

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear”.

I realize that I have lived nearly three decades of my life in fear…afraid of the unknown and sometimes the inevitable. Afraid of what people will say of my choice in clothes, in men, in music, in living the life I have chosen…afraid of losing friends and afraid of making new ones. Afraid of making the same mistakes I have made in the past. I see so clearly now how I have allowed fear to box me in, and place a beautiful glass ceiling over my head, giving me enough insight into endless possibilities but paralyzing me by making me believe that it was safer to just sit back and watch until I become ‘ready’ to pursue those dreams. I am saddened by the countless opportunities I have passed out on, because I was afraid I would not be good enough. I allowed fear to build a home in my heart and gave myself as a slave shackled without even putting up a fight. Now I see how I have allowed pain, and sometimes betrayal to etch its way into my very visage, whether deliberately or inadvertently. 

But this blog entry is not about fear, but really the absence of it, because this year I began to make small steps in overcoming the things that have held me back. Writing was a start, and there have been many other little, almost unnoticeable strides that God has given me the grace to make. Fear will NEVER be my friend; it will always be an enemy to my destiny; and to yours too. As I continue to make conscious efforts in overcoming fear, I have seen God work in the most amazing ways. He has opened doors for me, and fought my battles fiercely on my behalf. It sure feels good!

We will soon be embarking on the threshold of a new year- 2014. I hope that this will be your best one yet. I pray that as I make conscious decisions to make my life count by Gods’ grace, that you too will step out in faith, and take chances on yourself, in becoming what He intended for you to be. Nelson Mandela was a courageous man, not because he was never afraid, but because he chose to triumph over his fears. In this new year I will write more- whatever God impresses upon my heart to write. I will sing more…I will dance more. Lol (don’t judge me)…I will be more intentional in investing my time on the people I love...I will laugh hard, and cry just as hard when I ought to. I will not hold my breath, nor bite my tongue- I will speak up and be heard. I will not fear. Not anymore. I will not cower nor back down because for every new challenge, God gives grace. I am laying down ‘my way’ of doing things and surrendering it all to God, trusting him to order my steps.

Merry Christmas beloved!

Kambua M.