Write It on My Heart

Over time I’ve believed many things, and lost trust in just as many. But the one thing I have grown certain about is the love that God has for me. I look around and I see traces of Him, in all I do, in all I have accomplished, and in all I hope to be. But even though I’m fully aware of His presence, I’ve also had serious moments of doubt. My heart knows and believes that yes, God loves me and His plan for me is over and above my wildest dreams. My mind on the other hand, has battled with this truth time and time again. I have great admiration for people who have had a consistent walk with God- heroes of faith as I see them.  Some of them have walked with me and spoken truths that I was sometimes not ready nor willing to hear. I’ve often wished I could say that behind the make-up and glam is a woman who is totally secure in who she believes in. But the honest truth is, behind the veil is a girl who has had moments of fear, doubt, timidity, and yes, great insecurity.

I have faced life with zeal, rolled with the punches, but other times simply thrown in the towel; plain out given up.  I’ve questioned the value of life, and why people hold on even when it has been anything but kind to them.  My heart has gone out to families whose loved ones gave up on life, because a part of me understands only too well how it feels to be at the end of the line. You see the truth is unless God accords you the opportunity to see things from his perspective, you may find yourself so overwhelmed and cornered by life; it will seem as though there are no options, and a temporary situation will give the illusion of permanency.

There have been times when I have been so discouraged that I didn’t even want to get out of bed. And those are the times I’ve remember something or seen something that made me laugh so hard that tears rolled down my face, and all that remained was the sweetest tummy ache. God has a sense of humour.  Whenever I have found myself broke, busted, and disgusted He has reminded me that nothing is impossible with Him. God never allows me to stay down. He sings songs of deliverance and peace over me through the chaos of life. He remains faithful even through my faithlessness. I am so glad that He is nothing like me.  

There have also been times when I’ve had to stand on a stage or a pulpit to minister, and I’ve wondered whether I’d make it through the song without breaking down; I wondered whether anyone could see the struggle, or hear the pain in my voice. And in those times I learnt that in my weakness God’s strength knows no bounds. He covers me with His grace- the grace that He so liberally gives, and uses my pain to bring healing to another.

I revere God with all my heart, and yet I’ve grown in the understanding that He is a father who will never turn His back on me. When I’ve made a mess of my own life He still allows me to crawl on His lap and weep, and then ever so gently wipes my tears away reminding me that He is a God of second, third, countless chances.  My heavenly father not only hears the prayers that I whisper in the night, but also the unspoken ones…the ones I cannot form into words. The ones that are too intimate to share with anyone. He hears my heart and speaks right back to it.

Thank you God for never allowing me to give up. Thank you for giving me this moment, right here and now to pour my heart on paper…to tell someone who is about to let go that they can still try again. Remind them as you have reminded me over and over, that failure is just another opportunity to start again. May your peace steady their hearts in the midst of all that seems to be falling apart. May they find in you solid ground when all else is sinking. Remind them God that it’s not over for them until you say it is. May your promises and your truths be deeply etched on their hearts. Remind them that you shall never leave nor forsake them…that you are a friend who sticks closer than a brother…that you work all things together for their good…that you keep them in perfect peace whose hearts stay in you…that your grace is sufficient for them…that you will supply all of their needs…that you will never give them more than they can bear…that in you the old is gone and everything is made new…! Write it on their hearts God. So that in those times when their minds forget, their heart will still remember that it is written.

Kambua M.