Tick, Tock...The Year that was

I love writing; I write songs, I keep a journal, I used to write poetry…I blog. The process of putting words down has always been very therapeutic for me, and also the way in which I express myself best. Towards the end of last year God impressed upon my heart to start sharing my thoughts on a public ‘journal’. I was very nervous at first because I love my privacy, and to be quite honest, no one wants to share their struggles, weaknesses, and victories alike on a spotlight- at least I don’t. But God is just as concerned about having me fulfill my purpose as he is with the process. That is why he has often caused me to do unconventional sometimes very uncomfortable things. 

So after wrestling with the thought for a while, albeit reluctantly, I began to write and share my life with anyone and everyone who had a few minutes to spare. At first I was very nervous, wondering what to say and especially anxious about possibly finding things to share every month. It was then that I decided to just tell my story as it is, nothing removed, and nothing added, raw and unedited, to the extent that would be beneficial to anyone who came across it. The more I wrote, the more I realized that my story was not unique to me…people relate to it. The more I wrote, the more I found healing for my own wounds. I now realize that the reason I was instructed to make myself vulnerable was so that God could use me as a vessel of mercy; to speak life to others.  God continues to teach me that it is not my image of perfection that brings him glory- it is the evidence of scars, the brokenness, the cracks and crevices that testify of his matchless power of redemption and restoration. As a result, one blog post led to another and another and soon there was a demand for more…every month…and it has forced me to grow. I am learning not to be afraid of taking risks because growth is inevitable when there is a demand placed on your gift. 

This month one of the greatest leaders Africa ever had was laid to rest. We bid farewell to Nelson Madiba Mandela. I never got to meet him, but I have found myself greatly influenced by the way he lived his life. This is by far my favourite quote from Tata Mandela:

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear”.

I realize that I have lived nearly three decades of my life in fear…afraid of the unknown and sometimes the inevitable. Afraid of what people will say of my choice in clothes, in men, in music, in living the life I have chosen…afraid of losing friends and afraid of making new ones. Afraid of making the same mistakes I have made in the past. I see so clearly now how I have allowed fear to box me in, and place a beautiful glass ceiling over my head, giving me enough insight into endless possibilities but paralyzing me by making me believe that it was safer to just sit back and watch until I become ‘ready’ to pursue those dreams. I am saddened by the countless opportunities I have passed out on, because I was afraid I would not be good enough. I allowed fear to build a home in my heart and gave myself as a slave shackled without even putting up a fight. Now I see how I have allowed pain, and sometimes betrayal to etch its way into my very visage, whether deliberately or inadvertently. 

But this blog entry is not about fear, but really the absence of it, because this year I began to make small steps in overcoming the things that have held me back. Writing was a start, and there have been many other little, almost unnoticeable strides that God has given me the grace to make. Fear will NEVER be my friend; it will always be an enemy to my destiny; and to yours too. As I continue to make conscious efforts in overcoming fear, I have seen God work in the most amazing ways. He has opened doors for me, and fought my battles fiercely on my behalf. It sure feels good!

We will soon be embarking on the threshold of a new year- 2014. I hope that this will be your best one yet. I pray that as I make conscious decisions to make my life count by Gods’ grace, that you too will step out in faith, and take chances on yourself, in becoming what He intended for you to be. Nelson Mandela was a courageous man, not because he was never afraid, but because he chose to triumph over his fears. In this new year I will write more- whatever God impresses upon my heart to write. I will sing more…I will dance more. Lol (don’t judge me)…I will be more intentional in investing my time on the people I love...I will laugh hard, and cry just as hard when I ought to. I will not hold my breath, nor bite my tongue- I will speak up and be heard. I will not fear. Not anymore. I will not cower nor back down because for every new challenge, God gives grace. I am laying down ‘my way’ of doing things and surrendering it all to God, trusting him to order my steps.

Merry Christmas beloved!

Kambua M.

New life, new hope, new dreams...

To God be the glory for all of the wonderful things He has done, and continues to do. Today I celebrate yet another year in my life, and I am excited- not because everything has fine and dandy, but only because I have come to the realization that truly the power of life and death is in my tongue. God has given me dreams that I can either speak life or death to. Unfortunately, many of us sabotage our destinies with our own tongues. God forbid that it should be your story. Regardless of the odds, speak life into whatever vision God has accorded you. 

Take my hand, and let’s walk down memory lane…there was once a young man by the name of Ezekiel, trained to be a priest in the kingdom of Judah. As fate would have it, his hopes and dreams were shattered by the reign of King Nebuchadnezzar. Alongside other Jews, Ezekiel was taken captive to Babylon. I have often wondered whether this changed the course of his life. Did Ezekiel still qualify to be a priest, or was all his training wasted? Would God choose another person to take his place? Where was God in the midst of Ezekiel's disappointment? Thinking back I feel sorry for Ezekiel, a slave boy with big dreams that seemed as though they would never amount to anything. 

But the story does not end there. You need to understand that God was building in him the capacity to endure. This was a process of preparation, and no experience was wasted. I recently learned a very important lesson on pain; that it is actually a gift from God. Now I know that many of us will roll our eyes at this, and say that pain is a gift we would rather do without, but let me break it down a little. Pain is an indicator that something is wrong, and without it, we cannot be fixed. Do you realize how dangerous it would be if we never had the ability to feel pain? We would injure ourselves and not even know it. But pain sounds an alarm for help; help that God is always ready to give. Pain is not only unavoidable, it is essential. There is purpose in your pain.

Ezekiel endured his season of pain, loneliness, and desolation until something most peculiar began to happen. God started to give him visions, one of which I want to remind you of. The spirit of God took him to a valley of dry bones, and upon God’s command Ezekiel began to prophesy to them. He spoke life, and breath into them. The bones responded and began to resurrect, filled with life. They were so many, enough to form a great army! God did it! He used Ezekiel, to speak life where there was only dryness; where there was only desolation…death. 

Just like Ezekiel, we all go through seasons of pain and wonder whether our God-given dreams will ever be realized. But in spite of all that is working against you, you must keep on pushing; you must believe in your dreams. Believe what God says about you. Believe that he has a plan for your life. Believe that he will bring it all to pass. Don’t hem and haw, waiting for another ‘sign’…just believe what He says.

I am so thankful to God that I have lived to see the start of another year in my life. I look back on things that once caused me pain  and realize that God used them to strengthen me. I see how he skilfully takes away the sting from every painful event and leaves only indelible marks of what his saving grace can do. No matter what comes my way, I will hold my head up high and remain hopeful. I will purposefully speak life to everything I set out to do. 

Beloved, I hope that you too will start to give your pain a voice by speaking victory into your situations. May your season of pain and loneliness be the most pivotal, propelling you to your destiny. Remember that storms never last forever; they always blow over. In those times you find yourself in the wilderness, doubting the call of God on your life, remind yourself that God is not a man that He should lie. There is joy after pain. Sometimes God will allow you to go through desolate times where you get tempted, tested, and tried, so that you can depend on him fully. God loves you so much that He will allow you to be stretched, but never beyond your limits. 

Thank you God for a new year. Thank you for new dreams, and new territories. For new life, and new hope, I thank you God. 

Kambua M.

My rhythm, my song...

Have you ever been on a bus and sat next to someone with headphones on? The music blares in their ears and they seem to be unaware of everything and everyone around them. It becomes even more apparent when they begin to hum or sing along to whatever is playing in their ears. I’ve met a few exceptional people who manage to stay on key, but the vast majority are usually blissfully unaware of how flat or sharp they sound, and listening to them can be quite hilarious! Well, my husband often happens to be on the receiving end of my not-so-good singing when I have my ear phones on, but at that moment, I have not a care in the world. I lose myself in the music, and let it take me away! It is such an amazing feeling.

As I think about my journey, I can’t tell you how many times I have fallen victim of being distracted by people; either by their words or even their achievements. I  have sometimes been so overwhelmed when I look around and see people realize their dreams, one by one. Those are the times I wrack my brain, wondering  why day in and day out I pour my heart  into things and the results remain slow in coming.

People have often looked at me and not understood why I do what I do, they way I do it. With only the best of intentions they have tried to offer me alternative formulas on how I should build my career and my life in general.  But you see, God has given each one of as a vision that is so unique one from the other. There are times in pursuit of our dreams that no one will understand what we are after; it may seem so far-fetched, or look like you’re chasing after the wind, but just because people cannot see what you are working towards, just because they do not understand your vision, does not mean that God did not give it to you; and if He did, this one thing I know for sure: He watches over His Word to perform it.

I may still be a long ways from becoming all I want to be, but I have faith. Faith that is sometimes so small, but very powerful nonetheless, and it keeps pushing me forward even in the face of disbelief and antagonism. Therefore I am choosing to put my headphones on, and shut the noise out. I am making a conscious decision to pay attention to my vision, my dreams and my call, knowing that as I do so, God will help me define my mission and give me grace to keep running the race. I will keep on dancing to my own beat- the one that God designed me for. I choose to embrace my path and be grateful for being here at this moment in time. I would have hoped to be further by now, but I see traces of God’s faithfulness all around me.

In the big and small breaks I am reminded that big doors swing on little hinges. I cherish my starting place and honor the humble, very tedious beginnings. I am eternally grateful even for lessons learned albeit through lots of pain and struggle. I know beyond any shadow of doubt that He who began a good work in me will make it all worthwhile.

Finding your rhythm, your purpose and your song is your ultimate gift back to God- learning that you are not here by chance, but for a very special and unique role that only you were designed to play.Go on, and put your headphones on, block out the noise…the discouragement and distraction and keep on singing…keep on moving!

Kambua M.

Just Pull the Plug!

It is the innate nature of things to grow when they are fed, or else they die of starvation. Some things feed on dirt and scum…while other things find nourishment in pleasant things...others yet feed on the life of others, but whichever the case, animals, plants, dreams, ideas-  they all must be fed in order to grow.

Lately, I have been in a somewhat reflective, pensive space, and after some soul-searching and spending time talking to God I realized that I was simply feeling worn out by things I have willfully allowed to be a part of my life. They are like weeds that have grown over time and not until recently did I notice that they were choking the life out of my dreams, and suffocating my vision. Some of these proverbial weeds are in the form of friendships that have run their course, others are in the form of habits I have picked up along the way in an effort to fit in with people; to have a sense of belonging.

So I asked God to give me the courage to start a long-overdue damage control process, and the most amazing thing about allowing God to do the fixing is that when He’s done with you all that’s left are traces of His presence and an unmistakable mark of His glory on your life.

However, this ‘damage control’, I must admit, has not been easy. Sometimes I have tried to resist, then relented when I realized I was just postponing the inevitable, while other times- ouch!  It is just too painful, and I have to stop to catch my breath.  During this season I have asked for wisdom to know when to keep fighting for things, and when to walk away from them. It takes strength to do both.

I have also asked for the will power to resist all manner of temptation. God’s word says that he provides a way of escape whenever we are tempted. Meaning that we have no excuse to fall in to temptation by way of lying, bribing, fornicating, slandering, or allowing anything into our lives that breaks the heart of God. I came to the realization that I cannot truly say I love God when I keep pursuing the things that break His heart. He has paved a way of escape for each and every  one of us  without exception. 

Look around you; there is a way of escape. Take it, and don’t look back.

Dear God as you continue to help  me clean up my house, I pray that you do the same for anyone reading this who feels worn out and exhausted  by things they too have allowed to take root and bear fruit in their lives. For anyone who feels  that they may not survive the loneliness  that comes with walking the straight and narrow road…God I pray that you will give them a new and profound revelation of who you are, and how you give new strength for each passing day.

Thank you God for being the lifter of my head. Thank you for being my shield  and defense. Thank you for covering my shame. And for loving me through some of the most devastating seasons of my life, God I say, thank you. I am making a choice, right now, this day, at this moment, to honor the dreams you have given me and value the life you have blessed me with. To define my mission, and to keep running my own race.

As I share my journey with you beloved, I pray that you will see grace in my ruins, and that you will look past the mess, and into the beauty that God has traded my life for. As scary as it may be to let go of things that have defined you, if you trust the process to God, you will come out victorious.

Everything He has done for me, He can do for you, and more. Whatever has plagued you, mistakes you’ve made, terrible choices…everything that has tried to stifle your progress...the power is in your hands. Anything you feed, will grow, but if you cut off its supply, it will die.

So take a deep breath and do what I have chosen to do…just pull the plug!

Kambua M.

The Tide is Changing.

A story is told of a woman by the name of Hannah. She was beautiful, and when time was right she married a man who absolutely adored her.  Everything a woman dreamed of, Hannah had- all apart from this one thing: she could not have a child. Year in, year out she and her husband tried but their efforts were futile. At first it was OK because they were newlywed, but after months, that soon turned into years Hannah began to despair. Her husband’s love for her never wavered and he continued to reassure her, letting her know that she was all he would ever need, but you see, inasmuch as he loved her, he could not even begin to understand her emptiness, and her pain. 

Now Hannah had a co-wife, her name was Peninnah. She may not have been very easy on the eye, but boy was she able to bear children!  She was able to do the one thing that Hannah had been unable to, and with a lot of ease at that.  Day after day Hannah watched as Peninnah’s children grew and jealously noticed the sparkle they brought to her husband’s eyes. It hurt Hannah so much whenever she saw  the smirk on Peninnah’s face; she needed not say much…her demeanor spoke everything that her words failed to.  Hannah envied Peninnah and her ability to conceive so effortlessly. Peninnah in turn saw Hannah’s struggle and taunted her mercilessly for it because you see, bareness was a source of great humiliation and shame for a woman in those days. Her mockery pierced right to the core of who Hannah was, and only God saw the silent tears she shed.

The pain that Hannah carried in her heart became the impetus that pushed her to her knees. Hannah prayed. She went to the temple whenever she could to offer her sacrifice to God, asking for nothing else, but for him to bless her with just but one child. One day, the Priest found her praying. She had cried herself sore…her voice was gone, and only her lips were seen to be moving. Surely, she must be drunk! He thought to himself and asked her as much. But in despair Hannah told him her story, or at least the little she had the courage to share. Well, as the story goes, in the fullness of time God remembered Hannah. She conceived and gave birth to one of the greatest prophets of all time. God remembered Hannah! He covered her nakedness and her shame. He wiped her tears.

I have been waiting on God for something for a while now- not a baby like Hannah, but I have needed it almost as much.  And just so you know, I am writing this in faith and with great expectation in my heart, knowing that God will make my wait worth every minute...every tear…every prayer that I have whispered. If you have ever had to wait on God for something then you will agree that it is not easy. Sometimes you wait, and wait, and wait…and then when you finally hear from God He tells you to...wait some more.  In these times I have found my patience wearing thin, but somehow God by His grace breathes new life into me, and helps me wait it out.

For some of you reading this, your ‘baby’ could be your desire to get married, or maybe your desperate hunt for a job...it could even be a real baby like Hannah, and people keep reminding you; they make it so apparent that you are still not where you ought to be. I remember attending tonnes of wedding as a single lady. I sang at most of them, and was a bridesmaid in one, too many! I enjoyed being a part of these ceremonies but I absolutely detested how people- and especially the married ones, kept asking when I would get married! They just would not let up. Some did it out of genuine concern (lol!), but most others had the Peninnah Syndrome- that need to taunt others and remind them how ‘late’ they are, and how time is not on their side. But you see beloved, your Peninnah never gets to know when the tide is changing; she does not realize when God starts to shift things around for you, and oh when He does…!

As you continue to wait on God, this is one thing I know beyond any shadow of doubt: He is faithful and true to His word. He watches over it to perform it. Sometimes He allows us to wait on Him because it builds our muscle and puts us in a place of total dependence on Him.  For every dream there has to be a process, and this process will always serve as a reminder of the priceless value in a God-given dream.

God I thank you that you have allowed my faith to be tested in ways I never imagined. I thank you for the years I have been in waiting, trusting you to bring my dreams to pass because had I not waited I may never  have understood the matchless value in your blessings. At this time I pray for anyone reading this, that is in desperate need for a miracle. I am joining my faith with theirs knowing fully well that you are getting ready to blow their mind, and all those who have mocked them will be silenced for good. I thank you God because you do over and abundantly above all that we could ask or think. 

The psalmist David could not have said it better, “Wait on the Lord, be of good cheer and He will strengthen your heart”. And then my favorite part is when he goes on to add, “…wait, again I say wait…on the Lord”.

Peninnah had her time, but now...the tide is changing.

Kambua M.