She Will Never Know...

A friend of mine recently told me a fascinating story about his childhood crush. He met ‘her’ when they were both teenagers. But more than just her beauty and radiance was the fact that she’d grown up on the opposite side of town. You see, he had moved to the city to earn a living, and was the true definition of a hustler. In Nairobi lingo, he would have been called a' sufferer'. Lol. He was so badly off, that he often had to rely on his friends to lend him clothes. He had nothing but big dreams, and lots and lots of love for the girl. It would probably be an assumption to say that the girl had grown up with a silver spoon in her mouth, but she was fortunate enough to have had most, if not all her needs met. Nonetheless, my friend gathered his courage and asked her out on a date. Surprisingly, she said YES. I think more out of intrigue and curiosity than anything else.  He was excited! This was his chance to tell the girl how he felt about her, and maybe just maybe, it would be the genesis of something beautiful.

On the day they were set to meet, the girl as was her custom, made it on time and patiently waited for him (my friend) to come.  After about thirty minutes of sitting by herself she decided to call him to make sure everything was ok. He was very quick to tell her that ‘YES’ all was well, in fact he was almost there. An hour and a half later, he was still a no-show, and the girl slowly started to lose her patience. Four phone calls and three hours later, believe it or not, my friend STILL had not arrived. When she made what she decided was the final call, she got the same answer she’d gotten an hour earlier- “I’m just round the corner. I’ll be there in less than five minutes”. In a mixture of anger, frustration, and despair, she grabbed her purse and made her way back home, never to look back.  So much for that!

Years later, my friend is no longer ‘struggling’  he is thriving…life turned out to be much better than he ever anticipated. His hard work paid off. And the girl? Life went on for her too. In fact, he probably became a vague memory in the archives of her life, after that disastrous, or should I say non-existent date. Well, this is not a fairytale…they did not end up together and then ride off into the sunset. No. She moved on, never having known why a boy who had worked so hard to ask her out on a date stood her up. She went on with her life…no answers…

So it was at this point that in disbelief I asked my friend WHY on earth he would do such a thing! I wanted to even suggest that maybe his unacceptable behavior explained why he was still single... So then he paused and very quietly said to me, “I had no money to take her out.  My friend had said he would lend me some money but he didn’t come through. How could I have told her that I had no money for the date I had wanted for so long”? He explained how he kept buying time hoping another one of his friends would  come through for him, but they didn’t. My judgmental thoughts were quickly arrested on their tracks…thank God I hadn’t voiced them. My heart went out  to my friend…he was too young to know that everyone has at one time been at a place where what they wanted to do was just a little bit out of reach, but that didn’t make them any less of a person. He was too young to know that maybe if he’d just been honest with her she would chosen to take a walk with him instead…maybe, just maybe the sincerity of his heart would have been the one thing that would have made her fall in love with him.  But because he was afraid…she will never know. And…what shoulda coulda woulda been, will never be. His love for her...his plans for the two of them...she will never know.

I went home deep in thought, replaying my friends’ almost fairytale over and over in my mind. I realized that I have walked in his shoes not once, not twice, but many, many, times. I’ve been at a place of insecurity, feeling insignificant, not having enough to offer- not to a boy, but to Him; the one who captured my heart, My redeemer.  I’ve known over time that in Him I can expose my nakedness, my anxieties, without fear of criticism and judgment. I’ve known oh too well, that even when I feel inadequate, having nothing to offer  He is still there, waiting patiently for me to declare my love and devotion to Him. He waits to renew my strength. He waits for me to invite Him to do life with me…to walk with me through fire, the storms, the dark valleys…the mountaintops.  I know that He knows everything about me and yet I still find myself being a no-show time and time again.

So today I’m getting myself together and just as I am, I will go and meet Him. I want to spend time with the one who has been waiting for me.  I want Him to know that I need Him; that I can’t walk this life alone. He who loves me with an everlasting love- I want Him to know that He is the best friend I could ever have. I want Him to know…

Kambua M.